Or in my language: How do we learn where we want to go on our relationship paths...?
I’ve wanted a relationship for as long as I can remember. But I didn't really know what partner would suit me.
I mean, I knew I wanted a nice one :) But I quickly learned: what is nice to me may be very different from what others consider nice. Moreover: nice is not enough!
It took me over 30 relationships to find out where it was that I wanted to go - where it felt good. So for the longest time it just came down to gruesome trial & error and me mostly finding out what I didn’t want... This, strangely, was the only way we’re shown to go about it in our culture (amiright?!)
Sure, I did gradually expand my list, adding more and more categories in addition to ‘nice’. I also analysed myself to pieces, reading dozens of relationship books. I learned how to accept my emotions and regulate my nervous system. I acquired skills, like sensing and communicating boundaries. I found out about inner blockages, and I learned numerous trauma and shadow work practices.
I learned a lot of things. Still, I struggled so much that I started referring to myself as ‘relationship failure expert’. Did I mention I spent 10 years obsessing over one guy that got away…?
All in all: it took me a while to find my bearings. But then, after decades of heartache and a PhD degree, things started clicking in place. I finally ‘got it’ – and quickly after, I met my now husband: RJ! We’ve been together for almost 9 years now, and it’s not nice; it’s amazing.
More recently, when I decided to start relationship path counseling, I started thinking: “what would I have liked my younger self to know/have, knowing what I know now?”
Well, I would tell her this: My dear, you are a complex adaptive being - that’s why generic theories and advice won’t always apply. You need a personalised plan. You need to find your own direction. Please learn to distinguish between what truly matters to you and what are only ‘nice-to-haves’. Know how you want to feel. Then learn to love yourself enough to not stray from that. And: in order to navigate to that place, you always, always, first need to meet yourself exactly where you are.
So, nerdy as I am, I developed the tool I would have wanted my younger self to have: a structured, personalised and nuanced way to explore the path through one’s inner and outer relationship landscape.
I call it Relationship Path Mapping.
Would you like to use it to find your personal direction? Reach out to me for an exploration session!